This writing is done on the midnight, which by telling it I want to make sure you are prepared for nonsense I wrote.
Well, this is an emergency log, I suppose.
Today has been a great day, a very great one, I was pleasurely guided and told so many steps by my senpais about choosing the right university’s major next year. I should say that their insights, their commentaries, and their fraternity that were given to me is so much more than expected. We did have fun and talked a lot, I could point out some nice jokes and made them laugh (well, most sarcasm actually, was still working hard to be able to be sarcast in English and Japanese), but I did not know what comes, but the thing is I lost.
I lost to my primitive egoism. I lost with my premature egoism. I lost as a man that denies ideas of egoism, but perhaps, I am too blind to see egoism as a term in this egoism sea.
I lost with great man definition by these ancestral instinct hardcoded in my humanic gene, imprinted on my brain circuitry, and could relapsed any time – triggered even by a slight change on my brain’s nanotransmitter.
I should be honest to myself, that doing something great, masculline, anti-mainstream, self-fighting (others might say self-torture) should be not easy and indeed it is. That being said, though I found it not as hard as it is, frankly said, because I master the science and mechanism and I know how to control mechanism, I suppose. But well, tonight and the other three nights on my series of breath on this Land of Rising Sun might proven that I should be more precautious and look myself as a different-path-taking evoluted primate, which biologically means, my trait, my senses, my behavior, conducts, and deeds are deeply relied on eagerness to survive.
Cavemen and the old prehistorical beings are often tough to live on the cave, in the silent blurry dark night, covered by heat radiated from a single hearth, accompanied by hunter dogs if lucky enough or civilised enough to domesticate one, hand grapped by loved ones or in the worst case, left alone to fight the loneliness of midnight by himself. Well, I was talking about loneliness, feels of the needs of love, and blue hours Homo Socius might should fight during the nights spent alone. You might say that you are a strong, the last one standing above the social food chain, i do not know nor care less actually. Yeah it is meant, I know. But since, you and I are human.
I believe that this kind of thing is not a mere words but precisely feeling that both of us probably and simply cannot have enough power to deny.
The problem is not the blueness or calmness of the nights. The overwhelming forlorn is just another facet of this case, I suppose. The real thing is, the way we as oftenly dubbed and chooses to be called “Sapiens” react to those things or feelings, we should be presumably react to those things with more wiseful acts and not premordial acts, I believe.
What makes me declared myself as a losing guys in the recent days was, I, in the lone time, in the time I was asked to stand firmly on my thin layer of ideals, was failed to allocate enough power in holding the surge of self-gratituding acts. I was so lame and low on that time. So lame, that even if I had dog, the dog would be seeing me in another way.
This is a not of lameness and weakness of myself and I clearly see that others might not understand what actually I was trying to say as I am making this writing as obscure as I could. But, here is the trigger of that I should list as a remembrance to myself of warding it off the later days.
1. Junkful unmonitored items consumed, it just got uncontrolled and messy. I self-gratitude myself times without making enough satisfying efforts.
2. Voyeurism and loneliness, the feel of nothingness in errand list. The feel of powerlessness in seizing the minute and forge it into capacitance I could be happy with.
3. Implusive, non-ending novelties of information (mostly useless) that just investing more and more Dopamine and entaling in chain reaction of Delta-fosB stuffes on my brain.
4. And finally, egoism. Egoism that I kept denying for myself in a long run. Which kills me at last, but thankfully I am seeing it now.
This is the same thing as this. You house was a rot. You want to fix it. Then egoism comes. Now, you are doing the best thing in making your house looks good, you are putting supremum effort for it in order to make neighbours praise you. The result is good, the house was amazing and breath-taking. It is a nice living property you have. You sometime whisper to yourself that it works well, you live well, nothing you need to have, you do not need the praise. But some of your egoistical side keep affirmating to yourself that actually you are deserved more, deserved the praise. In fact, this runs contradictory as you are not even making “Hi!” exclamations to any of the neighbours, you just want them cannot bear the greatness of you house and my self-mojo walking to your place and praise you.
This will not do. This is not going to be happening. Won’t it? Isn’t it?
I am not talking about house (living in facilitated low-pricing dorm is more than a pleasure to me). I am not talking about body-building junkies stuff (I just do running for sake of health, I don’t mind that muscle things). I was talking about relationship, though. As a being, with friend, seniors, teachers, parents, sister, God, or even maybe just a person you daily met but till now not knowing her or his names.
I think I should act boldly, rightly, and justly. I will not look myself in this level of lameness. I will reform. Awake!
How nice it is if the man do the repair just for fixing the house, for sake of being a house, and even better a home.
God please guide me your little egoistic rebelious son. Amen.